Bizarro (11/7/09)

It might seem like the would-be taggers in this strip have made a mistake by purchasing white spraypaint, but they actually might have stumbled onto a goldmine. All they have to do is paint some rudimentary images on this igloo and put the whole thing up for auction. It might just go for a mint, like the outrageously expensive, white on white painting that stirred up such controversy in the play Art by Yasmina Reza. Of course, it’s hard to display an igloo inside one’s home, but I’m sure anyone who could afford an expensive art collection could also afford to build a meat locker devoted to housing their latest acquisition.

Bizarro (10/25/09)

There’s a grocery store in my neighborhood that sells pinatas alongside their incredibly fresh produce and (ahem) startlingly complete selection of pig parts. Unfortunately, all of these pinatas are American cartoon characters or superheroes, like Batman and Dora the Explorer. If I could find a multicolored steer like the one galloping up to the trough in today’s Bizarro, I would almost certainly buy it and find some way, any way, to incorporate it into the rapidly approaching Halloween holiday.

Bizarro (9/13/09)

At first glance, this strip struck me as a clever take on the famous “ascent of man” drawing that shows an ape followed by a neanderthal followed by a modern-day human. But then I noticed the small, almost unnoticeable black speck at the far left of the strip. Was it an asterisk? What was it referring to? Then I realized it was a snowflake and my “goodness, this is clever” meter started clicking like a Geiger counter. That tiny snowflake transformed a strip I thought was funny into a strip I truly appreciated.

Bizarro (8/20/09)

Remember a few years ago when Miss Teen South Carolina embarrassed herself by giving a ridiculously convoluted answer to a simple question? Sure you do. Everyone remembers the painful references to “U.S. Americans” and “the Iraq,” but what we don’t remember is the original query: “Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?” As a lover of geography, I was more horrified by the question than by the rambling nonsense it inspired. And now it appears that the vast majority of high school students are unable to distinguish between Europe and South America. I wish I could interpret their ignorance as a sly dig at the legacy of Spanish and Portuguese colonialism, but I’m afraid that would be too much of a stretch.

Bizarro (8/16/09)

I’m usually careful when composing e-mails, but like everyone else I forget to attach files from time to time. This is particularly embarrassing when the e-mail contains a detailed description of the missing file. I’m sure thousands of people have received messages that went on at length about a contract, a business letter or an event program, and then searched in vain for the phantom document. And when does the sender realize that the file isn’t attached to their e-mail? Immediately after hitting send, of course.

Bizarro (7/22/09)

Before my girlfriend and I moved in together, we went shopping for a queen size mattress. She was sleeping on a full size bed at the time while I was making due with a twin size. Because we split the cost of the purchase (and because we waited for a Memorial Day sale to go shopping), we were able to afford a top-quality mattress. It’s not a memory foam, but it is exceedingly plush and has made the journy to dreamland quite pleasant. The mattress has also helped us wake up rested and refreshed, as opposed to cranky and sore. It’s easily the best purchase we’ve ever made.

Bizarro (7/19/09)

I can discern two history lessons from this strip, both of which strike me as funny. Lesson Number One: today’s fisherman is so fat and out of shape that he’s only able to catch tiny fish and is therefore satisfied with a punier haul. Lesson Number Two: yesterday’s fisherman was so skilled that he caught gigantic fish every time he set out. His family gorged themselves on these fish, leading to our current obesity epidemic. Maybe both lessons are present at the same time, each one strengthening the other.