Archive for July, 2010

Pardon My Planet (7/31/10)

July 31, 2010

The existence of cherries strikes me as proof that a good and benevolent God watches over us all. These pitted fruits may not look like much, but they’re remarkably delicious. If an interrogator ever wanted to get information out of me, he would simply feed me a cherry, then place an entire bowl of the delicacies just beyond my reach. I would be coughing up secrets within 30 seconds. Cherry pie, cherry yogurt, cherry ice cream…they’re all good; so good, in fact, that stellar fruits like blueberries and strawberries have every right to be jealous.

Hagar the Horrible (7/30/10)

July 30, 2010

My basement needs to be re-finished pronto, and while I enjoy home improvement projects as much as the next guy, I also realize that my wife and I can’t do everything ourselves. We can’t seal the cracks in the foundation, for example, and we don’t want to take our chances setting up new lighting. So what have we done? We’ve turned to contractors, of course. We’ve set up appointments with basement sealers and will be calling an electrician to discuss lighting options. Then we’ll have a decision to make. Do we replace the frame, put up insulation, hang new drywall, prime, paint, and install a laminate floor with the help of family and friends? Or do we hire professionals and make things easy on everyone? Given the time and energy it’s taking to gut the basement, I’m leaning toward the latter option.

Scary Gary (7/29/10)

July 29, 2010

Earlier this week, I rifled through my pantry, retrieved a bag of brown rice, and found what appeared to be sawdust mixed in with the grains. Curious, I went back to the pantry and found the same sawdust-like stuff contaminating the open bags of cereal. I also found some stringy cobwebs and, after I removed the offending foodstuffs, a few crawling insects. Yuck. So instead of cooking brown rice, I spent the evening cleaning out the pantry, throwing away everything that wasn’t tightly sealed, and wiping down the shelves. Then I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and went to bed. The whole experience was decidedly not awesome.

Zits (7/28/10)

July 28, 2010

It’s not surprising that a teenage boy would get a traffic ticket, nor is it surprising that he would kiss a girl. What is surprising is that he would like jazz, which is why I was tickled to see the parents in this strip react with such utter shock to their son’s Facebook page. I’m a music lover myself, but I could never understand the appeal of jazz. I grew up with stacks of Charlie Parker and Thelonious Monk records, but the music never grabbed me. It didn’t have the earnest simplicity of folk, the catchy inventiveness of hip-hop, or the raw energy of punk. And the few jazz concerts I attended were preceded by lectures explaining the music, never a good sign. I may come to appreciate jazz in the future, but for now, I just don’t get it.

Hagar the Horrible (7/27/10)

July 27, 2010

I’m not a fan of coffee, but there was a time in my life when I drank it. Actually, that’s an exaggeration. What I drank (infrequently) was a coffee-flavored mocha drink from a convenience store. When I was 18, I worked the overnight shift at White Hen Pantry. The hours put dark circles under my eyes, and I was sometimes so tired that I grabbed a chilled “coffee” from the refrigerated section. The caffeine kept me wired and the chocolate made the drink palatable, but I still couldn’t handle the coffee flavor. If memory serves, I drank two of these mocha monstrosities before quitting cold turkey and resolving to get more sleep instead.

Daddy’s Home (7/26/10)

July 26, 2010

Can you come up with an interesting line of dialogue before August 20? If so, feel free to submit that line of dialogue to the Daddy’s Home website. Entries need to be 82 characters or less, including spaces and punctuation. The winner gets to see his or her punchline in print on September 27. The winner also gets a pie (for real). I’ve been racking my brain, but I can’t come up with anything clever. That could be because I’m focusing on the grand prize pie, though. Who knows, maybe there’s a warm cherry pie cooling majestically at the bottom of that crater. That would explain the smoke, but it wouldn’t get me any closer to a workable punchline.

Prickly City (7/25/10)

July 25, 2010

As any child knows, there is a difference between there, their, and they’re. They’re going to the store for ice cream. Their ice cream is starting to melt. They put the ice cream in the freezer, over there. It’s not a difficult concept to grasp, but that doesn’t stop people from using these words interchangeably. Their it is! There not here yet?! They’re new car is really nice LOL! These errors might be excusable if a giant, Jupiter-sized asteroid was barreling toward Earth. But as far as I can tell, that’s not the case.